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    Rickster

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    Question for you married folks

    Post  Rickster on November 14th 2013, 6:29 pm

    As a Christian single I'm curious on where are places to meet single Christian girls. So for you guys/girls who are married or engaged where did you meet your wife/husband?

    Rohelf

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Rohelf on November 14th 2013, 7:32 pm

    Even though we're not technically engaged yet, Dunadwarf and I met on a Christian Lord of the Rings forum back when the movies were still coming out. We were just friends for several years before we decided to start a long-distance dating relationship, then a few years more before he was finally able to move here. Personally, I think there are a lot of benefits to knowing your potential mate as a friend first before jumping into romance, so that's the advice I'd offer, Rickster; go to where there are others who share your interests and beliefs, hang out, and connect with some new friends. Even if the friends you make are other guys, you never know who they might introduce you to in turn.

    Drew.Rub

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Drew.Rub on November 15th 2013, 7:11 am

    My wife and I met through a mutual friend at our church, and via Facebook. As a Christian single man prior to meeting her, I had a hard time meeting other single Christian women. It just so happened that our mutual friend kind of did the setup thing during service on Sunday morning. Mind you, neither of us had actually expressed any acknowledgement of the other.

    I will agree with Rohelf. Find someone that you can be friends with first and foremost. Danielle and I spent nearly a year and a half getting to know each other as friends before we even made a commitment to start romantically dating, and then it was six months before it felt right to even kiss her. Take your time and really get to know the person.

    As for venues, Rohelf has good advice. Meet someone in a venue that you already go to and shares your interests. It gives you the best basis for building a relationship.

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  WhiteBoy on November 18th 2013, 12:50 am

    So, sounds like they're saying right here at CGC! Smile

    Seriously, though, I met my wife at my church. I agree with what they are saying about the friends approach. You want your wife to be your best friend.


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Paeter on November 19th 2013, 6:18 pm

    I was aiming for the "friends first" strategy all through my teens and college years, so I'd back that advice too. But that's not how it happened for me. (Well, I guess we were "friends" for a few weeks before I expressed my interest.) Holly and I met through involvement in "Continental Singers". (Google or Youtube it and laugh. It is a smiley cliche of Christian culture that makes me gag to think about. Sometime I'll have to share how I got involved in all that.) Honestly, the way I met Holly was God orchestrated. We lived across the country from each other and I never could have planned meeting her in a million years.

    However I will say that I'm thankful I never entered the dating game before Holly. I'm happy and grateful that she is the only woman I have ever kissed.


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on October 30th 2014, 8:59 am

    I am not sure how much help this will be, but...
    I met my wife in junior high school. We dated half our junior year, and our senior year and got married two weeks after graduation. We've been married for over 20 years now.
    ...I don't recommend this as a course of action, however. We've been happily married about, oh, maybe ten of those years. We really had no idea who we were marrying, or, even, who we were. We were a couple of dumb kids jumping into the deep end of the pool without learning to swim first. Luckily, we have both been committed to staying married, and God has seen us through some really tough times. (let's just say that while finances are not the most important thing in a relationship, a complete lack of finances can really put a big burden on a relationship)

    Now, to get to the heart of the OP... I am going to make a couple assumptions here. First, I'm guessing that your local church's stock of available women is taken up. Otherwise, the answer would be pretty obvious, right? So...let's get controversial, shall we? You might want to consider church-shopping. (and I'm grimacing at the thought, myself) I've gone to several different churches, from a pretty large church, Biltmore Baptist, to the kind where NOT being directly related to everyone in the church is the anomaly, and you probably aren't going to be finding a potential spouse in the places where every gal your age is a cousin, or where "every girl your age" is composed of "those two girls over there".
    Secondly, I am going to stereotype a bit... Christians, especially private school Christians, tend to marry earlier rather than later. If "unmarried member of the opposite sex" (it occurs to me this might be just as fitting for women too) means "high school student", then someone who is no longer a high school student is going to be left out...unless they are a creeper.
    So...let's get practical.
    -It might be time to do the hitherto unthinkable, and go out to where people are. I have a friend who bemoans his single status... and the only two places he goes are the gas station and my house. (maybe a slight exaggeration)
    -Network... online social media can help, I think the other respondents have covered that... but you might be missing a prime consulting group---> middle-aged women. Maybe not for dating, although I don't know your age and preferences, but for "setting you up". I know I am stereotyping again, but in the church office where I work, single people and who they "should" date is a popular topic of conversation. "It's such a shame that X and Y don't date, they have so much in common, really." Let your mom's friends know you are on the market, and want help, and I imagine you will get more help than you know how to deal with. Another option, which could be sneaky, but could also just be really smart ("wise as serpents, harmless as doves") is to ask a group to pray for you to meet the right person. A prayer group, a Bible study group, ...the whole church... let them do the heavy lifting, and who knows, maybe, just maybe you aren't the only person out there looking for help.
    -Lower expectations. No one is perfect, except One, and that is a different kind of romance. Whoever you end up with, you are going to have to deal with personality or physical ...quirks. Unless you are a Hollywood heart-throb, you aren't really going to have unlimited choice in potential mates. "Good enough" might just have to be good enough, and might just end up being better than what you wanted in the first place. You know those 'romances for the ages'? There is a reason most of them come from fiction... we live in a fallen world. If you don't hear an angelic choir singing when you see someone, that doesn't mean they aren't a good match, it just means angels aren't singing (where you can hear them, at least).
    -Do something radical. Move... if everyone knows you as that kid who threw up in health class, then you might have an obstacle in the way for romantic engagements. Plus, if everyone knows you...or thinks they know you, they wont try to get to know you. Being that new guy/gal means that people are instantly interested in hearing your story. I live in Central New York, and I moved to the mountains of North Carolina for a couple years. I went from being 'Mike the cook' to the guy with the sophisticated accent. ...people even thought I was metropolitan, even though I moved to a larger town in NC than I inhabited in NY. People were instantly interested in me because I was different. ...led to some problems of misunderstanding, but not the kind of problems a single guy or gal would have to worry about. (my wife was unimpressed with the attention I got...of course, she only saw the girls paying attention and not the guys, and being the jealous type, she thought the worst)
    Another radical thing, that I always thought would be an interesting case study worth trying, would be a mail-order spouse. If you are a romantic, and think the perfect person is out there for you, or that God will make sure you meet the 'right one', then what makes you think that such a person has to be local? The person you are meant to be with could live half-way around the globe, God is in charge of the whole world, after all. You may not think you have much to offer, but someone living in South Sudan, or Fiji, or Belarus might think differently. As Sherlock might put it, "How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?"

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  tmorrill on October 30th 2014, 11:26 am

    Go to a Bible college. Very Happy

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mindspike on October 30th 2014, 6:39 pm

    mikel.withers wrote:Another radical thing, that I always thought would be an interesting case study worth trying, would be a mail-order spouse. If you are a romantic, and think the perfect person is out there for you, or that God will make sure you meet the 'right one', then what makes you think that such a person has to be local? The person you are meant to be with could live half-way around the globe, God is in charge of the whole world, after all. You may not think you have much to offer, but someone living in South Sudan, or Fiji, or Belarus might think differently. As Sherlock might put it, "How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?"

    Arranged marriages really only fell out of vogue in the last 150 years or so. As I get older this makes more sense to me. I remember the choices I made into my 20s, and shudder to think of my daughter at that age. Then I look at my younger brother and sister, either of whom I would hold as a role model. What's a mail-order bride but employing a matchmaker? (Can't you hear Norma Crane singing?) It has a venerable and proven tradition.

    Romance is a many-splendored thing, but it is not the stuff of which marriages are made. Marriages are built on choice and commitment. Romance is God's reward for committing to a godly marriage.

    Friendship is another desirable trait, but once again it is the result of choice and commitment. Friendship and romance share correlation but not causality. They necessarily happen in proximity to each other but do not necessarily share common origins. Friendship is God's reward for living peaceably and being involved in community.

    Some years ago, my uncle decided that he needed a wife. He wanted a Christian woman who was his height (5 ft) and age. He hired a "mail-order bride" service. They introduced him to a Filipino woman. They corresponded. He flew to the island and proposed. He spent the rest of his life with her.

    In the beginning they had little in common, but they chose to make a life together. Fiddler on the Roof says something about love that has stuck with me for years.
    Fiddler on the Roof wrote:
    (Tevye)
    But my father and my mother
    Said we'd learn to love each other
    And now I'm asking, Golde
    Do you love me?

    (Golde)
    I'm your wife

    (Tevye)
    "I know..."
    But do you love me?

    (Golde)
    Do I love him?
    For twenty-five years I've lived with him
    Fought him, starved with him
    Twenty-five years my bed is his
    If that's not love, what is?


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on October 30th 2014, 11:15 pm

    Thank you, Mindspike, most people think I am off my rocker when I suggest such a thing!
    ...of course, it could be that we are both insane...

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Paeter on October 31st 2014, 3:31 pm

    mikel.withers wrote:Thank you, Mindspike, most people think I am off my rocker when I suggest such a thing!
    ...of course, it could be that we are both insane...

    I need some serious education! Had no idea this was still even a practice.

    When I think of "mail order bride" I think "Russian woman who just want to be an American citizen and will ditch her husband first chance she gets" and "guy who wants sex but wont cross the line into prostitution".

    Granted, these thoughts are based entirely on a combination of ignorant imagination and tv movies, so can someone give me a brief idea of the real deal and how it works? Does the guy fill out any questionaires or give personal references to his character? Does the woman? How do these services endeavor to create a match that won't be misery to grow a loving marriage out of?


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on October 31st 2014, 9:22 pm

    No idea, Paeter... I know of two guys who did the mail-order bride thing, one lives nearby and was a high school friend. His wife and her daughter came over from the Philippines about four years ago (?) and they seem really happy together, with a second child that is their own now. The biggest problem I have seen with them is that he is well over six foot, and she is almost four feet tall...so, when this big white dude is seen kissing what appears to be a little Asian girl, they get weird looks. They share religious convictions,(Christian) so that has to be a plus in favor of things working well.
    As the average for divorce is about half married couples, I don't know if your odds are much worse with a semi-random person.
    I would recommend doing a search for "international brides" or some-such. I would vet it for you, but my wife would skin me alive if she found that on my browser history.

    As to the chance of being taken advantage of...
    Well, yeah, there would seem to be a pretty good chance of that...especially if you ever saw the TV show that followed several mail-order bride couples for a year or something like that. "I was told I could be a model, but I would need to live in New York or LA to make that happen..." (I'm paraphrasing)
    From that show, the woman (it was always a woman) would come to the US on some kind of engagement visa, and had six weeks or something like that to get married. Neither person was contractually obligated to marry, although both had their motivations for seeing it through.
    WARNING-inappropriate humor imminent
    However, my running joke with single guys that I talk to is that the whole "get a green card and ditch you" could be turned into a boon. Look, after five or six years the luster is going to wear off a romance, and that is about the time your foreign wife would ditch your sorry butt. So you get to go again! You could even think of it as a retirement plan... for your first "wife" go with a seven foot Ethiopian woman, or a Swedish woman built like a linebacker who does "World's Strongest" competitions, that way any kids you have will stand a good chance of being professional athletes. After that you can marry for looks or romance or whatever you like.
    However, as this is a Christian website, and this is probably not Biblically sound, I wouldn't dream of telling that joke here. What a Face


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  tmorrill on November 1st 2014, 3:50 am

    Personally I'd avoid any kind of arranged marriage type thing, it just seems to archaic to me. Plus the one guy I know that has done something like this was just all kinds of creepy so I guess I do have an an admittied bias there.

    mikel.withers wrote:
    However, as this is a Christian website, and this is probably not Biblically sound, I wouldn't dream of telling that joke here. What a Face


    Of course not, you'd just hint at it heavily.

    Don't worry I have semi-similar thoughts, thanks to seeing probably dozens of marriages fall apart in the past 10 years or so I've been known to make a joke that the first marriage is the training marriage. I've learned that's not the best joke to make at weddings. No

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on November 1st 2014, 10:23 am

    tmorrill wrote:
    Don't worry I have semi-similar thoughts, thanks to seeing probably dozens of marriages fall apart in the past 10 years or so I've been known to make a joke that the first marriage is the training marriage. I've learned that's not the best joke to make at weddings. No
    Right? My wife doesn't seem to think it is very funny either! (I've been married to her for over half my life, I aint about to throw that away)
    I chuckled-out-loud at your comment, by the way.

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mindspike on November 1st 2014, 8:31 pm

    tmorrill wrote:Personally I'd avoid any kind of arranged marriage type thing, it just seems to archaic to me.

    I don't know if archaic is quite the right word, as that implies it is not still going on or is no longer compatible with popular culture. There are three things people think of when they think of an arranged marriage.

    1) Mail order brides. The modern practice is more of an international match making service. The two parties are put in contact and they decide whether or not to pursue the relationship. In one form or another, this type of thing has been in every culture at every point in history, and is a multi-billion dollar industry in the States.

    2) The parents decide whom their children will marry. This practice started becoming less common about 150 years ago or so in the Western world. It is still a very common practice is many parts of Asia and the Middle East. The spouses still consent to the marriage instead of:

    3) Vani, or forced marriage, in which one or both spouses are forced into a conjugal relationship against their will. This kind of relationship is still very common in Africa and South America, and to a lesser extend in southeast Asia. The United Nations defines this as human rights abuse, and refers to the practice as conjugal slavery. Enforcing a separation is often difficult because of cultural or emotional indoctrination.



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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  jorowi on November 3rd 2014, 4:14 pm

    I met my wife 16 years ago over IRC (Internet Relay Chat). I'd recommend a singles group at church. If your church doesn't have one go to a singles group at another church. Alternately, you could ask a married couple you know to introduce you to someone.


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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Nathan James Norman on November 3rd 2014, 8:28 pm

    mindspike wrote:
    tmorrill wrote:Personally I'd avoid any kind of arranged marriage type thing, it just seems to archaic to me.

    I don't know if archaic is quite the right word, as that implies it is not still going on or is no longer compatible with popular culture. There are three things people think of when they think of an arranged marriage.


    Back when I was a youth pastor (and still had my street-cred) I asked a group of about 80 teenagers: "Would you rather have your friends pick out your spouse or your parents?"
    All but one of them said their parents. I was shocked. When I asked why, they essentially said, "My friends wouldn't take it seriously... they'd think it was a joke... but my parents love me and want what's best for my life."

    Then the conversation (which I only intended as an ice-breaker) turned to a number of students actually wishing we had arranged marriages, because then they wouldn't have to spend so much time and energy and emotion into trying to find a reasonable match.

    I know the idea bucks against our modern (post-modern?) sensibilities, but there is much to be said about both families being more involved in helping (not tormenting) married couples.

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on November 4th 2014, 8:56 am

    I just noticed, that when I was about to log on to this forum, there was a banner ad for "meet Russian beauties".
    How apropos.

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  tmorrill on November 4th 2014, 3:30 pm

    mikel.withers wrote:I just noticed, that when I was about to log on to this forum, there was a banner ad for "meet Russian beauties".
    How apropos.

    I hope you know that's your fault for two reasons.

    You are not running adblock, and by mentioning mail order brides you gave the ads something to home in on!

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  mikel.withers on January 9th 2015, 9:03 am

    So...
    I was missing an email, on my work account...at the church I work at... so I went into my spam folder to see if it was misplaced by the auto-sorter thingy.
    Turns out there are a lot of Russian models who would like to meet me. Laughing
    Luckily my search history is intact, and it contains what it contains and I'm pretty comfortable with our local in-house IT going through it, if there is ever a question...and that IT "guy" is my wife... but yikes.
    It reminds me of the time I was making chain-mail, and ordered a bunch of pre-cut stainless steel rings...the delivery guy is having me sign for them and he keeps looking at me funny. When I look at the box it says "10lb butt rings". Shocked I had to explain that it meant that the ends "butted" against each other rather than overlap... not that it had anything at all to do with nether regions.

    Instead, let's turn this into something potentially useful.

    #gaming keypad
    #needle-nose pliers
    #vacation rental

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    Re: Question for you married folks

    Post  Paeter on January 9th 2015, 12:39 pm

    mikel.withers wrote:
    It reminds me of the time I was making chain-mail, and ordered a bunch of pre-cut stainless steel rings...the delivery guy is having me sign for them and he keeps looking at me funny. When I look at the box it says "10lb butt rings".  Shocked I had to explain that it meant that the ends "butted" against each other rather than overlap... not that it had anything at all to do with nether regions.

    Instead, let's turn this into something potentially useful.

    #gaming keypad
    #needle-nose pliers
    #vacation rental

    lol!

    Awesome! Thanks for the up note on my day!


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